I just tried to drunkenly fart the beat of Disturbia by Rihanna
You left half a beer on someones car and claimed it was a second day of hanakuh gift
So I'm about to go to his house and have "I'm really sorry for cheating on you last night" sex
I got a bikini wax for the first time today and I think I now understand feminism.
Nothing like throwing up 1/2 price appatizers and 2 4 1 personal pitcher in uniform to remind myself what a succesful failure I am
At home depot. Final room inspection is tmrow, gotta paint over the puke stains
we woke up to him feeding us cheetos at 3am. and by feeding i mean shoving them in our mouths and saying "i mean who doesn't like cheetos"
I action rolled over a firepit. Twice. I am the action roll king
This would be a good time for the don't get drunk and bang a married chick pep talk...
on a scale of 1 to 'no sex' how busy are you this week?
It's times when I'm naked but also want to be platonically social that I miss you the most.
Am I required to send a Christmas card to my fuck buddy?
Did I see you at the bar last night?
Yes. You just kept grabbing my boobs and saying how much better they are than yours...
I'm actually on the verge of cancelling a booty call because I have an early meeting tomorrow. If this is what adulthood is going to be like, I'll pass.
I woke up with your bra on, and some guys boxers. I'm in a random truck, in the middle of nowhere...
Randomize