census says that i am hotter than the girl you just left with...sad for you
He had a seizure when i was giving him head. for a second i was thinking i was doing a spectacular job
the girl next to me at the bar JUST looked down at her vagina and said "im going to get you fed". if i come home alone tonight...i give you permission to cut off my penis
She literally crushed my balls between her butt cheeks. It was both the greatest and worst thing ever. Dancers are awesome.
Saturday dinner is funfetti cake and merlot. Singlehood has come to this.
I told them the reason I passed out was because of "heat exhaustion." Not from showing up drunk. Good thing this is Arizona.
Sent him a picture of my pregnant boobs from last year, think he'll notice the difference?
I'm calling in my "fuck at anytime anywhere" card. Meet me at my place in 20 min, wear your Waldo costume.
Back. Waiting on Thong the shuttle bus driver. THONG
Everything was cool till you started pissing while standing at the bar
Hahaha perfect. Let's start stopping drinking tomorrow
We were making eye contact while i was throwing up.
Dude did you see that video of yourself crying while bathing in vodka on YouTube?
yeah true but how easily can you rip a scrotum
He gave me an ambien and I woke up with a raw chicken bone in my purse. I have no idea why but I hope I put it in his butt
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