my periods are so regular now that they are sync-ed with my subscriptions of vogue.
remember tomorrow: you burned the inside of your nose with incense. it hurt.
Ever since I discovered that youporn works on blackberry, my brickbreaker skills have gone to shit
I just remember telling jokes while vomitting
strippers are much less mysterious after you sleep with them
Yeah he gave the rest of the brownies to the bouncer that took his fake
She was kind of put off because I kept calling her baby my spirit animal and staring hungrily at her breasts.
I was just tagged in a picture with a bunch of people i don't know in a house i don't recognize wearing a purple cowboy hat and a boa...i hate tequila
my heart is telling me chinese, but my head is telling me beer.
I'm just gonna pretend you didn't ask me that. I'll sweep that shattered moment of our friendship under the shame rug.
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
He fucked me so hard my nail polish actually chipped. I'm keeping him.
I found dried jizz from last night on my leg while feeding an infant a bottle. I am not fit to care for children
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
She dated an Australian guy or some dude with an accent. Normal guys don't stand a chance.
CHALLENGE ACCEPTED.
Randomize
