In my junk email folder, there are literally 67 messages from Alcoholics Anonymous. What..the fuck.
And by "got a tattoo" i mean i got a tattoo in the dorm bathrooms with a guy using his cousin's tattoo gun.
I'm stuck on the dance floor between two fat people. I don't think they feel my existence. Please help.
this is not the first time I've had hot dogs and 151 for thanksgiving.
I woke up at 6am to a knock and a naked guy at my window.
He was running late for work this morning, so I helped him out by finding a matching pair of black socks. And I hated it. So I'm currently drinking and reminding myself of the reasons I will never get married.
DID YOU REALLY JUST GIVE ME A FIRST BASE SIGN
I'm getting a collar when he gets back in to town! That's like the bdsm equivalent of getting his class ring!
I've never had someone so bad at kissing. It was like he was trying to block my airway with his tongue and he succeeded...
I should not be allowed to be in possession of a fifth and a phone at the same time.
We got really high and he took a green marker and made my vagina into a Christmas tree.
TFW YOU ACCIDENTALLY SEND A MEME ABOUT LIKING ANAL TO THE GROUP CHAT. JESUS FUCKING CHRIST, WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME?
the roommate is literally cooking green eggs n ham, and I'm too hungover to see straight. Dr Seuss nightmare.
Hey what you doing tonight?
Working at the hospital! So hurt yourself and come visit :)
See you in about a hour
A good example of deductive reasoning: Knowing that when my girlfriend texts me "I promise not to smoke all your weed!" that she is...at that VERY moment...Smoking All Of My Weed.
Randomize
