you can still come hang out if you want
I really don't feel like watching you play video games
I'M GETTING MARRIED!
YOU'RE STILL MARRIED!
Just found 2 diff. colored pubes in my underwear..new record.
You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
you know by doing this we are using dad as a drug mule right?
I got kicked out of an open bar wedding reception. The bride "felt threatened" by my presence. Not my fault she's ugly
We sat on the porch laughing about hilarious the sunrise was. And that we can do drugs again in the morning, thank god
That's why I don't chug things. Because when I was a freshman in college tequila came out my nose.
I don't know what I wash first. My body or my puke painted car. People are judging me as I drive by.
Tried to make out with a statue, turns out it was a person.
The fact that I took a nap during my midterm shows exactly how I handle being an adult
Well it's like a wise man once told me: "If you're going to shave your balls, don't do it hungover."
Jesus, I think this onesie was designed to keep me from masturbating.
I continue to impress myself. Also I'm probably pregnant
as a guy is it bad that even my mom called me easy?
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