I don't know where I am, but I'm drinkin & I like these people
I forgot to mention I threw up in my wine glass AND my neighbors empty cup.
separated laundry into 'got laid' and 'didn't get laid' piles.
This is the 4th time we've hooked up, and this morning we woke up, he got out of bed and left. Left me alone in his apartment with 3 of his friends. Without even a word. Why do i like this guy?
She busted her face in a tragic twerking accident. Marking the 2nd time I have peed my pants laughing.
I think that's the first time Navy dress blues and a Ninja Turtles onesie have been involved in the same makeout.
He also complimented my butt. High praise coming from a boob guy.
I'm glad there seems to be a general consensus regarding your ass
well when I said that I would ride his face until he ran out of oxygen, that's when I knew I shouldn't be around beautiful people anymore.
I wouldn't call us friends exactly. Honestly I just hang out with him so I can hit on his girlfriend. They won't last long, and I'll be there to pick up the scraps
I think the reason she hasn't text me back is because I spanked her ass with Hulk Hands
I know he works a lot but c'mon man. I 69'd you the first week we boned. Put a little effort in. Fuck.
I have to make calls today at work. So I'm gonna call your phone and leave some random messages. Just delete them.
I shouldn't have watched rise of the planet of the apes and then gotten high. I'm now convinced that the cats are out to get me.
On another note, I think my upstair neighbor is having sex. How awkward would it be if I showed up to her door with a bag of Chipotle?
Remember when I was real fucked up and said I would give up utensils and only use chopsticks for lent?...just got the reminder on my phone.
Randomize
