When i light up a cigarette people look at of like i'm going to pee on their children.
i love rice pilaf. whoever invented that i would give them a hug.
I'm at the store buying plan b and vodka
the cocktail of hope
just took batteries out of my vibrator to play wii guitar hero. think i am gonna regret that move later tonight.
I think I ruined Robin and Mikes anniversary. I walked in on them fucking, accidentally broke the necklace he gave her, and I stole the keg from their party. Not in that order
Boob shaped ice luge is ordered for my bday. Boom
I can't even drink.
The liquor comes out the nipples. Out. The. Nipples.
It was one of the greatest weekends of my life. And that's even after factoring in spraying myself in the face with the bidet.
woke up in a random sweater in a random bed in a random house on a street I don't recognize..
also, I vaguely remember swapping shirts with some random guy on the dance floor.
It started with a wedding, followed by a drag show, and ended with Trevor getting punched in the face by the bouncer. How was your weekend?
You took a selfie with my hard dick and sent it to Scott with the caption 'Toldja'. It was hard to forget you're a teenager after that
Thanks for being my pregnancy scare Sherpa...
you weren't there so I had to flirt with him on your behalf
YOU UNCULTURED BADGER
I want to be her friend more than I want to fuck her boyfriend.
We're just starting to open presents and I already need a shot. This is gonna be a long Christmas day.
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