Journey is playing on the radio....I think it is a sign I am going to pass my drug test
The Mets? Come back? That'd be like Nickelback writing a good song.
Dude, we totally smoked up inside a church organ last night. Add this to the epic list.
It doesn't count as drinking alone if you're making rum cake with it.
Like there's an 87% chance I'll end up on the bedroom floor demanding sex while freestyling in your face. I'm going to buy rum.
Yea he called the cop officer fonzarelli and asked him if he was mad because happy days was off the air. Boom, beaten and arrested
Wake up. Finish House of Cards. Put on pants.
Accurate.
I was like, booze is the closest thing I have to a father. Don't pour daddy down the sink
So I'll be starting a scrapbook from all the mugshots of the guys I've slept with
I WAS KIDDING ABOUT SLUTEMBER BUT ITS ACTUALLY HAPPENING
He had to put his grandma's photo away before I tied him to the bed. She doesn't need to see any of that.
Well, my mom found the ball gag and whip. Looks like I'm never going home again.
I got a lap dance last night from a girl while I was wearing a Captian America onsie. My life does not suck.
I just had to explain to my grandma what a reach-around is. Too far..
It's OK, I woke up in a drag queen's bed last weekend. It took me forever to get the glitter out of my cleavage.
Randomize
