I just googled how to quit your job and cause a big uproar at the same time....i tell you how tomorrow goes, i'm so excited....
I mean, he was my book buddy in 1st grade. The kid taught me how to read, the least I could do was give him head.
I'm like a wolly mammoth down there. what do I tell him?
I love Japanese schoolgirls with short skirts riding bikes on windy days.
You're never coming back, are you?
I just saw "i'm bigger then that" as her facebook status. Would it be better to make a fat joke or correct her grammar?
i should have probably stopped drinking when my beer pong shots were hitting the other team in the face..
yeah thats usually a good indication.
I knew I was in the wrong bar when "I have a daughter your age" was some random's pick up line.
I'm laying in bed with a case of beer,.. That's how this break up is going..
I can feel my liver begging me to stop.
SOMEONE has to puke in the potted plants at an Xmas party. As their boss I felt it should be me.
I caught a glimpse of his penis. I can only imagine what your mom's vagina goes through because of that penis
Curing hangovers with more alcohol was a great idea for the first five days
Honey...this isn't my 20's. This is my 30's. I paid for this house and these expensive ass sheets to fuck in them. Get your ass over here.
Ughh I think I'll just sit here in the dark and wallow in self-pity while drinking wine and knitting scarves for my future cats.
He woke up wondering who broke in and rearranged all the furniture. He reviewed 11 hours of security footage before I told him he did it while whiskey-drunk.
Randomize
