yo im tryna cop a beej tonight
SANTA'S REAL. I GOT MY PERIOD.
And for the fourth year in a row Christmas has ended in tears, yelling and me drinking. This is officially our longest running Christmas tradition.
Need a travel agent to tell me which countries in Asia have legalized prostitution for New Year. Fireworks would be cool too.
I'm not judging you... I'm judging our friendship
Typical Sunday afternoon purchase of condoms and a helium tank.
You should try cooking mac & cheese naked sometime. It's quite relaxing.
I just don't know the best way to tell him I think I saw him in a porn. I mean I got off to it, isn't there some level of awkwardness there?
I want you to read this conversation tomorrow and be proud of the fact that you taught me how to decipher any drunk message. Good job.
You texted me a picture of your face along with #help
They invented a new game at work. Its called guess if I'm baked, hungover, drunk, or some combination of the three. Its surprisingly very difficult..
He's the stereotypical redneck. He tried to go kayaking during a storm and almost got into a fight when a park ranger tried to stop him
FYI the blow job was for papa johns pizza
I regret 8000% nothing
Where is the baby squirrel I found last night?! I've looked all morning I can't find Morris anywhere did someone take him?? ðŸ˜ðŸ˜
Honey, I kept trying to tell you it was just a pine cone.
I’ll call you later. There’s a jilted trophy wife looking for a revenge fuck at my door
Randomize
