I like waking up with a slight hangover cause I'm dehydrated and it makes me feel thinner.
so i decided to listen to you and went ahead and slept with him. you owe me 3 minutes
I just offered a homeless man a meal from McDonald's, and he replied "I don't eat McDonald's food". That is the epitome of "begger's can't be choosers."
giving him head while hes talking to his fiancee on the phone about inviting me to their wedding.... im invited. should i go or would that be wrong?
Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
I think his parents are learning english from the phrases I shout during sex.
I Apparently saved a picture of the Eiffel tower in between 2 pics of his dick. It appears to be the same size. I fucking love Paris.
Lots of rum and cokes. Bartender wore my underwear on his head. Lost my keys. Accidentily started a fight. DC is going to kill me
It's raining beautiful colors and I don't know what the fuck is going on
foreskin is a definite game changer
The worst part about getting "creative" and by that i mean baked is that i just wanna get laid right now and all im doing is eating nachos
Yes, bail money means jail. It also means lie to dad, do it now.
the kid next to me in math class is drawing gay porn. it's good, but that is beside the point
i'm gonna friendzone myself so you dont have to
I have to stay away from bourbon. Despite what it keeps telling me, it is NOT my friend.
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