Drinking non-alcoholic beer is like going down on your cousin.
Sure it tastes the same, but it ain't right.
They have a guy from new zealand living under their stairs.. they don't charge him rent. He just buys food and booze and bartends their house parties.
I fell asleep with my vibrator still in me. I am the Queen of Sad Masturbation.
Would you feed me pudding while my fake tan dries?
I got us chalkboard mugs. Now whoever comes home with us can feel comfortable in the morning! I am too considerate to my one-night stands...
We won 11 games of beer pong, and then I spent a half hour trying to get into the top bunk. Then i realized it was a cabinet in the bathroom
I was trying to get everyone to go to the bar but I puked on my hands, so nobody took me seriously.
True friends don't judge, they just try to have more booty calls than you do.
Apparently my thong was thrown in the cornfield last night. No one will tell me why.
He asked me who my new boyfriend was and I showed him a picture of my sex toys.
To shove my foot up anybody ass who tries to start shit. I'm not takin shit this year. That and I wanna volunteer somewhere to help make a difference
this is a PSA to never have sex in a bed from ikea
Everything is a learning experience. Last night we learned why I'm not allowed to bring guys home from the bar....
He walked into me masturbating to a framed picture of Bill Murray riding a t-rex
Would the comment "Down Goes Frasier" be too inappropriate at this time?
Randomize
