You were wearing a sombrero. And a crown. And told me to use the nerf gun to protect your room from the cat. You don't have a cat.
His stupid grin looks like he's mid-ejaculation
They call it the Collection Couch because all 4 room mates have slept with at least 3 different girls on it. He tried to seal the deal with "would you like to be number 14?"
And sadly I did.
sorry we overslept. have a good day at work. p.s. thanks for making it feel like my vagina got hit by a train.
we've had sex 4 times and he still refers to me as 'the chick in my chem class'
I'm on my fifth cocktail in twenty minutes. I don't think I will end this on two legs.
you're usually drunk when you offer. there's one time you called me, told me not to dye my hair red, and asked if i wanted to see your tits.
my brain is opting to stay half drunk rather than relearn how to think. the rest of me is in no position to argue.
I miss using glorious as an adjective. I'm gonna start doing that again. And I'm gonna try to get cuntatrosphe in there some more, too.
I threw up in bed last night and tried cleaning it with oldspice and baby powder
There's tequila in my general area. Please pray for me.
all his sexual metaphors involve condiments, should I worry?
I can't believe you cupped pat's balls to prove your fake relationship
there is a naked boy in my bed & you just need to kick him out because i do NOT want to see him when i'm sober.
Dude I left his house at 5:30 a.m. after you peed on his front door and then tried to fight me for my blanket. Don't even do that at my house or I will end you.
hahahahaha. Worst. Text. Ever.
Randomize
