i didn't know you could wash puke off of bras with a dishwasher.
my mom just told me how she used to love having sex while stoned. wtf.
really keith? you showed me your dick and your not gonna text me back
I just found a bag of teeth...
I basically get to watch her life fall apart via tumblr updates
So I woke up in a strange bed with a note taped to my arm giving me directions back to my brothers apartment.
To do list: put blue gatorade in a windex spray bottle. spray it into my mouth in public so people think i'm drinking windex.
We got kicked out of the ice rink last night for drinking and checking strangers... but they let us keep the beer
Get your ass over here, we're drinking Patron and watching My Little Pony. Patron and Ponies, do you copy?!
So I thought the party was crazy before his pinky came off...
Apparently I filled my purse with chicken nuggets and told my mom I was a "sexual squirrel."
It's the 3rd day of the year and I've already sucked two dicks. New year same ole me.
Considering all of my stomach contents ended up in my center console, I'm a bit peckish.
I have a hickey in my new work ID photo.....
Wrong Cuomo but I had a dream last night in which I was very sexually attracted to Chris
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