It was like a fairy tale, until he tried to put it in my ass...
he showed me his boner with his cell phone light during the movie.
He just did blow off my nipples. He's not serious about his girlfriend.
I can't believe I am actually paying for a night in a hotel for my parents so I can throw a party the night before Christmas Eve. I also can't believe they think it's their Christmas present.
My mouth holds just enough water for my bong
He managed to scream "cowabunga bitch" before he went down on me. Let me know if you still like him.
Home. Barefoot. Drunk. Crying. Puked. Brushed teeth. Washed face. Dying. Need Cuddle.
Having a midget officiate your wedding because you think it'd be hilarious: good idea or potential lawsuit?
That's some primal shit right there. My vagina is all like CONSUME HIM AND HIS FRUIT HE WILL GIVE YOU SONS!
my grandma just gave me a shoebox fulled to the top with tootsie rolls and condoms with a not that said "enjoy college, find a big cock" i'm not sure how I feel about this
I'd help you out but I got Bacardi and Tequila poured down my snorkel last night and I'm still drunk
I think the cashier could tell I was sad. All I bought was penis shaped food and chocolate
Your friend gave me you're number. I was the guy locked behind the book shelf.
I think you have the wrong number, but I hope you escaped your library-prison?
I had to hose off vomit off my driveway at 9 am.....so hot
because nothing says “let’s fucking rage” like getting a compensation letter and some company stock
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