omg! a creepy truck driver just made a frog puppet wave at me!!!
I wish we could go back in time and find our best farts ever
In attempts to Not be THAT GIRL in front of my new crush I will only drink a 12 pack instead of my normal case.
Bad news is he broke up with me via text message
But the good news is I've returned as mayor of whoreville
When he goes down on me, he stares me in the eyes like a shark mocking it's prey as it devours it. Plus, his beard smells like dirty gym socks. This has got to end.
Someday, but I will be heavily drugged and there will be no dolphins.
He stumbled into my room, flopped on my bed, shoes on my pillow and asked me for a juice box. Then fell asleep with the juice box on his forehead.
Look outside and see if the septic tank explodes when I flush this.
Well you were listening to music and having sex really loudly. How was I supposed to know you'd hear me making rocket sounds?
What should've been a 10 minute beer run turned into her having a 40 minute mental breakdown in my car while in the parking lot. She then asked if she could live at my house and be my girlfriend. Her finishing act was stealing my peanut m&m's.
Well, when a girl introduces herself as "stormy" and gets your number from her boyfriends phone, I'd say that your situation is to be expected.
THERES A BEAVER CHASING ME, ANGRY BEAVERS IS FUCKING REAL DUDE
Why were u walkin around mc with a toilet bowl lid handcuffed to u and carrying a stuffed Teddy bear last night?
He drove me to my therapist appointment because I was too drunk to drive. Total keeper.
I'm reading the Hobbit in my blanket fort alone with a bottle of wine... all I need is dungeons and dragons to complete this superfecta of awesome
So, I almost went hone with a French guy and a drag queen. Together. Then I became sober enough to realize, that's not my style.
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