Masterbating to gospel music is like god cheering on your orgasm
I'm dreading the fact that when the dominoes guy comes, he will ask me if i placed an order under the name "high as shit".
What can i say, inner beauty is great but it makes a hard picture to jack off to
and that's why he's hiding in the taco suit
Oh my god it just tripped me out that I used to be a baby, I had to tell you.
a small fire erupted but we put it out with a can of beer so everything's fine
I'm on a treadmill at the gym ordering pizza on my phone so it'll get to my house around the time I get home. I NEED HELP. Or I'm a genius. I haven't decided.
There are no female cereal mascots. I just realized that in my drunken state... So sexist...
Once again being low on toilet paper is forcing us into another round of our favorite game - toilet paper roulette - where there can only be 1 winner. Maybe.
I spilled wine on my pillowcase and I figure it's basically my lifeblood so I'm just leaving it
I never realized the effects a broken spine would have on my sex life
I'm not asking for life coaching, I'm just asking if you know where I left my underpants.
christmas shopping: 3 hours in the liquor store...
Apparently I’m a terrible influence when alcohol is involved
First day of school is awesome. I get to meet my students and figure out which of their mothers I’ I’m going to bang
Randomize
