I just remembered that last night when we tried to walk off the spins you said "pretend i'm your pet dinosaur" so i walked you around on an invisible leash while you made t-rex hissing noises.
Just snuck alcohol into the hospital for my mom.
sooo my mom just yelled up the stairs " you left your bowl down by the computer"....aaand for a second I forgot cereal bowls still existed
just had wine and brownie batter for dinner. Single life is good
it's been a while because I don't count the hooker
Just FYI, I'm breaking up with my boyfriend tonight and you need to be on call to be my first rebound bang
Bad Decision October is in full swing. I was telling people that "I put on eye makeup today, I'm takin' a dude home with me!".
You know when you meet a penis that looks like it was made out of all your hopes and dreams?
I feel like our lives always have been and always will be a never ending drunken rampage full of pregnancy scares and lost brain cells
THIS CHICK IS LIKE SOME SORT OF HOOKER HOUDINI.
Am I getting cock blocked by karaoke? That's a first.
Please don't fuck the professor. We both know that won't end well.
I accidentally gave my prayer card to the bouncer. Clearly a cry for help #saveme
Sorry, my phone died and I decide to charge my vibrator instead. #priorities
I'm at this party and a blind kid just walked in and asked "where is the fucking pong table"
Randomize
