we just stared at taco bell's menu on the website for 2 hours
I thought it couldn't get worse until she said "Nipple hair"
Sitting at a bar next to a guy wearing sunglasses drinking a pitcher by himself and having an argument with himself over if journey is more ballin than kiss. Feel better about myself.
You handed me a red solo cup filled with vodka and Bacon. You called it the salty Russian.
I'm trying to decide whether it's worth it to masturbate in this gas station bathroom
You described pouring milk in your strawberry cereal as a glittering magnificent water fall, skimming over the mountain and little strawberry citizens.
Still not sure if my open-bar-week-long-trip to Cuba is the best idea as a congratulations-for-my-sober-february-challenge. My liver might just explode and give up.
Date #3: He brought me a mason jar full of organic weed that he grew on his property. Will you be the witness when we sign our marriage license?
I mean. I just want to sit in my bed and eat bagels. What's wrong with that?
Don't forget to make sex 3rd on your calander
i found 4 slices of pizza in my toaster, and a can of unopened soup in my blender.. wtf?
I need to start journaling my drunk thoughts. Drunk me is fucking brilliant & sober me is missing out.
I have more important things to worry about than you drowning your cheerios in tequila.
I wish drug dealers had sales for the holidays
sorry about your sharpie. alex wanted to shave the left side of his body so he had me draw a line over him with a ruler
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