Just so you know, I have a bf.
I guess as long as you bring single girls over and cook cannolis you will still be useful.
How was I supposed to know she would get offended when I asked her how long it took to draw on her eyebrows.
can u get pink eye on your cock?
Surefire way to sober up: discover that your car is being towed at 2 am.
Ok, it is technically a gay bar but it's a total dive w/ strong drinks. The important thing is you can start drinking at 11:00 am without judgement
oh oh oh, and apparently you can bring in your own snacks. Some old dude just gave me cashews and cheetos.
How was your weekend?
The sex was so good. It hurts to exist.
I once puked on the side of the hwy driving home and it somehow made me feel more Canadian. So don't rule it out
She's cute, but batshit. Like some kind of dominatrix disney princess.
Hot dogs and hydrocodine is NOT the combo of champions
Your loyalty to the Redskins reminds me how no matter how much I disappoint you, you will still always be rooting for me.
He stopped his car in the middle of ongoing traffic to ask me to marry him. Then he got pulled over. Yeah I'd say the slutty Dallas Cowboys costume was a success.
Your hotness may or may not have landed him in jail.
Dude I bought a 300 dollar buffalo painting. I'm no longer allowed to take shrooms.
I feel like you're the sexual bearcat I've always wanted to be.
Dilemma. I'm out of wine and I can't put on clothes to go to the liquor store bc I just got spray tanned. If this isnt white girl problems I don't know what is.
Only I could dislocate my ribcage coaching volleyball and still want to get drunk tonight.
Randomize
