i just remembered i chipped my tooth last night when i pulled up your pants zipper with my teeth
Some guy just yelled at me from his car "CLIIIIIIIIIITT"... I feel like this has something to do with last night....
Grad practice is like a live scrapbook of my drunken sexual encounters
the head trauma was worth the blowjob.
I'll make a Jello mold of your face so everyone can get drunk off your face
110% paid for our cab with a lap dance
It's gay pride weekend and Father's day.. So in honor of the occassions I am now BI
Eating cold pizza and drinking a beer for breakfast while standing in a hotel window naked is how I say hello September...
Apparently we don't communicate very well unless we're drunk and/or naked
There's times when I just want to bottle my farts for later they're so insane.
I just got the most majestic image of a potato sack full of dildos getting whipped at your head in slow motion.
bought a large fruitopia from McDonalds at 7:45 this morning. Spilled it on the ground. Cried. THAT hungover.
I work 80 hours a week to prevent myself from just laying in bed and masturbating all day. It's a hands off strategy.
Morning fuck and a coffee. ARE YOU READY TO CONQUER THE GALAXY WITH ME??
Officially the best daughter ever. I just restocked my parents alcohol that I stole last night AND ADDED TO IT
Randomize
