My Mom bought me a vibrating toothbrush. Maybe this is her way of apologizing for throwing away my other thing that vibrated.
and when he finished he started shouting "swim boys SWIM"
How did your new apartment party go last night?
I'm really happy i have a bigger bathroom to puke in.
what is it with giant penises always finding me
true... I just kept thinking "THAT IS A PENIS. OMG THAT IS A PENIS. DOES HE KNOW IM STARRING? STOP LOOKING. OMG THIS IS AWKWARD. PENISSSSS"
She pulled up to the bar in a limo, wasted, and alone. Gets out, shrugs and slurs "I couldn't find a cab" and proceeds to take a shot.
I'm in love.
I finally got the glitter off in time to get to the party and bang the bday boy in the bathroom while his girlfriend was lighting the bday cake candles.
Got high again and all I want to do is wave this flag around
We had sex on roll out bean bag chair, and then proceeded to sleep with a blanket with dolphins on it. Happy birthday to me.
Is it too early in the day to ask a nipple-related question?
When she saw "buy condoms" on my to do list she figured out pretty quick we were breaking up.
Last night I made him sit on my bed and finish my burrito bowl as I chanted "brucey" over and over until he was done like they did in Matilda with the chocolate cake
You know it was a good night when visa fraud prevention services are calling
The time stamp on this text message is reason enough alone to not leave me unsupervised
when they cut me off i played the entire Justin Bieber playlist and left for another bar that didn't think i'd had enough to drink
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