After 4 hours of foreplay he passed out and almost immediately peed in my bed. Naked. Like a fountain. Then tried to deny it in the morning by saying he just sweats a lot.
I wish I could donate my sober boners to my whiskey dick
It doesn't matter if he doesn't speak English because I speak the international language of blowies.
new rule: cockblock me if I have had over a fifth of jack. no matter what.
I don't know how I'm going to know it's her, I only know what she looks like with a wig on
SHE COULD ALREADY BE HERE AND I WOULDN'T EVEN KNOW
Is it socially acceptable to break up with someone over snapchat?
In the ER with Chelz, I may have broken her ankle during sex. Lovely.
Also, I've finally come to the point in the relationship when having sex with socks on is ok.
He knocked me in the face with the phone during my light show. Didn't even feel it. Ecstasy is amazing
Fuck that, come home. Let's get drunk and judge people.
Next year for Halloween you can be the sword swallower, with a penis shaped sword.
Is it weird that my ex and the dude I'm talking to now both only have one testicle? Apparently I've found my type..
Knowing that porn stars want to fall in love is the weirdest thing I've found to be beautiful recently. I'm so lonely.
look, my penis is an amusement park, and it's closed for maintenance. why can't you just accept that?
This morning, I found 5 naked people in Steve's bed with post sex hair, and Steve fully clothed sleeping on the ground.
Randomize
