I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
I was worried if he didn't show me his penis, he would kill himself
and he says: but we did find out that your ovaries have never released eggs. first thing out of my mouth: so i didnt really need to take the morning after pill so many times in college?
not the response he usually gets im sure.
The last thing I remember is you asking me how to grow french fries.
i would eat my own dick if it were covered in nutella
What's the appropriateness of putting a 50 cent lyric in my gmas eulogy?
A zombie called me motorboat central while participating in an auction to motorboat my tits. he then proceeded to propose, insisting that he makes alot money.
The guy I woke up with is wearing the same nailpolish as me...I need to stop drinking
Yea dude. I'm gonna be the life of the party. THIS BITCH GETS DRUNK BY HERSELF
I try new drugs instead of new boys. That way you can't scold me about the importance of condoms
I need a present that says please like me even though i'm banging your grandson
Crowning achievement. I bought ranch dressing and emergency contraception.
You leaned over to me in the elevator and whispered "how long do I have to pretend to be sober?"
I can't. I'm going camping this weekend. I do have a life outside of your dick.
sometimes i like to lay one the floor and pretend im a carrot.
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