Eating a burrito bowl w/ queso sauce is about as cool as the first time you have sex w/ out a condom
meet me in the bathroom in 10 mins.
wait what? who are you hooking up with in the bathroom?!
aww shit wrong text.
I feel like death. Did you die last night?
Nope. Ready for round 2. Fiesta!
unreal. Greatest comeback since Jesus
Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
Can't remember why I called but it definitely had something to do with Lou Bega
Just used the D.E.N.N.I.S system successfully.
dinner with the girl I motorboated last semester wasn't as awkward as I thought it would be
Not even drunk me wanted to have sex with him. I kept intentionally hitting my head on the table behind me during sex till he said i was too drunk for sex.
just saw someone climb out of the dumpster at cvs and start walking down the street like it was completely normal
Please save me from this creative non fiction class. I just wrote a paper about how I spend unhealthy amounts of time with my cat.
I spend unhealthy amounts of time watching RuPaul's Drag Race.
I referred to the cat as amicable.
Okay. This morning the comforter was wet, you were underwearless and using a tiny blanket. What'd you do??
we managed to melt a few different forms of plastic into the cannibutter....
I plan on blacking out and milking a cow
You're the third Mark I've fucked in that bed.
His wife found the thong I “forgot” in his glovebox
Randomize
