yeah my mom told me she knows when i come home high because i use my turn signal while turning into the driveway...
its not like she's the last girl on the planet with symmetrical breasts and great skin
Just blew a perc off the traytable on my flight, spring break has begun!!
next time we make out at a concert please try to refrain from screaming out our hotel room number.. the amount of guys that knocked on our door after you passed out was ridiculous
Why is there broken glass in my purse?
You stole a snow globe. From your VP. Soooo...maybe don't put all your hopes on that promotion you were expecting
Don't they also have a lot of serious head injuries?
I didn't say I wanted to marry one of them. Or that I want one to perform surgery on me. I just want to have hot, dirty, MMA style sex.
I find it ironic...the gays are dying to get married & I just want a fucking divorce
we told the drug dealer that our car was dead and we needed a jump so he would bring the drugs to us...
Ohh I see how it works, eat pussy and I get Reese's pieces.
It's like the hunger games, but we're gonna bone each other instead of kill each other
Word to the wise, never look up your hot young doctors on Facebook before you're discharged. You will find things and no longer be able to take them seriously.
I'm hungover and eating lunch at an elementary school. The children are barking. Litrealy barking, like dogs.
Your life is a soap opera of great sex, cats, and booze.
Btw that $18 I gave you to run around outside naked came out of your wallet.
i woke up to drewlling on a plate of eggrolls half naked halfway between my bed and the floor, and i have no idea where my pants went
Randomize
