I am dying of drunk and no thats not a typo.
there's a guy here who looks like a hipster got a hold of obama and gave him a makeover.
i need you to recap everything for me beyond "i think i'm gonna try vodka-pong"
I wasn't interested in him...but then he played The Office theme song on acoustic guitar. I'm sorry.
fuck he's narrating my life in a british voice make him stop im way too fucking high for this
bro i finally banged her last night on our basement couch
I'm at this frat party right now and yelled "my little 16 year old brother finally lost his virginity." They gave you a standing ovation
I really want to title the album "I want to make sex with your face" but I also want a job someday. Temptations, temptations.
This might be the most awkward night of my life. And I had someone pee on me once.
I've slipped into the part of my life where I am not having sex to get Phils tickets from this chick. I need to seriously rethink my life decisions
After my mom met Tanner, she literally turned and said "he's from old money, top of his class at Emory, already has doctors courting him for jobs and judging from your vocal performance the other night, he's gifted in bed. Fake a pregnancy right now"
I come from her. Holy hell.
all a girl really needs is a few good pair of leggings and a drug dealer that delivers.
I just need to find a good handlebar mustache to sit on until I'm over that beard
I rode home in a shopping cart so there's that. MVP to the guy that pushed it.
Everclear isn't food dammit
I informed him that we had less than 5 minutes left to live, and his first words were "I'm trying to think of a good They Might Be Giants quip"
Randomize
