I know you are passed out now but when you wake up in the morning your keys are in the freezer and your probly gunna want to apologize to your gf...
it was terrible. i could've done a better job by myself.
At some point last night I thought pissing in a bottle was an awesome idea when I woke up a little piss was actually in the bottle a lot was on my TV remote
Every good night starts with white castle burgers and shots in the parking lot.
the best days in LIFE are when you realize you arent pregnant
Apparently, banging my bartender ex-girlfriend = free drinks again. Not every bad decision is a wrong decision.
dude, when you're random girl from last night came down the stairs this morning she fell all the way down. I laughed. She just walked out. I hope shes ok. Tell her I give her a 10 for that landing though.
My dealer, who also happens to be a male stripper, just invited me to watch him perform tonight. Boundaries buddy, boundaries.
in a garage, wearing a toga, theyre debating the logistics of Coke Pong. If I don't make it out of here... it was me who stole your Barbie in the 4th grade- I've never forgiven myself.
When we do our power hour over Skype I'm just going to sit on the toilet so that way I won't have to get up in the middle of it and miss any shots
Highlight of the week: I had sex with a B movie star wearing an eye patch.
I woke up to see that I had ripped my boxers into a loin cloth because we were watching last of the mohicans
The object of the game was to pour tequila into a sombrero and drink as much as you can before it leaked through, 'Big Papi' won.
I was dressed as Waldo and the cops kept saying looks like we fuckin found you
Pretty sure he was in my class in like 2nd grade
I like how you know everyone I've ever fellated.
Randomize
