Remember that time i walked in on your friend taking a huge shit?
Remember that time you hooked up with him?
i'm at a stripclub and this bitch just lit her nipples on fire!
have you ever noticed that homeless people never have acne. suck it proactive
This morning I proved to myself and all the kids on the playground that I can't puke and drive.
I think I just ate eggs off of a plate covered in cocaine.
Hey, if I'm gonna bastard a child and ruin his life, I'm going balls out.
There are no female cereal mascots. I just realized that in my drunken state... So sexist...
You sent 2 glasses of water to the table next us and told to the waitress they were on you. I repeat: water
This Christmas I would like to thank Jesus for cocaine.
SShout out to Barney the Dinosaur for teaching me how to sing the ABCs backward. I just scored a free pitcher.
It's a mix of hot dirty sex and week old bong water
We laughed, we cried, we fucked, we shirked our familial and work related responsibilities. They could make a movie about the last 40 hours of our lives.
Its one thing to reject me, but to reject me AND my hottest friend AT THE SAME TIME!?!?
My ex boyfriend literally just asked "who needs porn?". This is EXACTLY why I dumped his ass.
You went into the bathroom, got in the tub with a pillow, yelled "this isn't as comfortable as it looks in the movies" then passed out
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