She has an incinerator in her basement. Have you ever incinerated used condoms?
Lmao what?
It's a yes or no question.
you really dont want me to drink and drive. you saw what i did to my face and that was only from walking
He's coming back with me for the week. It took me saying "I don't wanna drive myself home... I'm better as a passenger giving road head" for him to jump at it. Rack another one up for my magical openings.
I feel like the other woman.
You ARE the other woman.
Nothing is more awkward than taking a dump while someone is crying in the bathroom.
At one point I thought we were going to have to fuck our way out of their apartment
And after we were done he said "Let's play a game! Who can find their clothes first"
Your life is one shit show away from being a lifetime movie.
there is a spider sitting on top of my weed like he owns it or some shit
no but seriously tf do i do? i have that spider phobia but i think my lvoe of the weed overpowers it
In retrospect, vomiting out of a moving vehicle on the third date should have been a deal breaker
Jesus I was next level high last night having a mental epiphany about the state of Virginia
You gotta do what you gotta do. Like how I gotta drive in the rain to go get chicken nuggets. I just gotta.
I called him the wrong name all night, yet I still got a ride home from the party and hooked up with the guy. I'm irresistible.
I swear to god, I'm like....the Jedi master of dick.
the fact that your 21st birthday is also new years eve is pretty much a death sentence
Randomize
