So it turns out the white chocolate in the bathroom is actually soap
We even fucked WHILE he was making me breakfast in bed.
If you really hate me that much, you need to stop letting me put my penis inside of you. It sends the wrong message.
I found out that all you need to write a 12 page paper is adderall and twizzlers
lesson learned: don't narrate out loud about how a girl is giving you head while she's doing it
You said "It's ok guys, I know I'm not really a turtle" and then tried walking on the lake.
All right cuz right now I'm in one of those moods where the shear thought of doing anything more strenuous than making a sandwich has me wanting to curl up in the feeble position and splash around in a puddle of my own tears.
NO I WOULD NOT GET A GUMMER FROM A GRANDMOTHER
I really really need to have and out of body experience just so I can talk to myself about this shit that I'm doing with my life.
I've learned life lessons in Vegas. Mostly, drugs are cheaper than alcohol.
Hit on in the middle of a Wal-Mart McDonald's by a really awkward nerd. There is not enough nope in the world.
Today's psa: there are certain parts of your body you shouldn't scratch while wearing fake nails.
you just tore your cootch a new one, didn't you?
Why is "Oprah of drinks" written on my arms?
You said to write it on you, after you kept saying, "You get a drink, you get a drink, everyone gets a drink."
You may be fancy. But you'll never be having cheesy garlic bread and scotch at 3am fancy.
I accidentally brought up how there used to be a big tree in his yard, which I could only have known if I had been Google mapping his house.
Randomize
