I'm really into asian looking animals
i think i recognize dicks better than faces
I am dripping wet and slathered in glitter and banana mush. I love gay guys.
I just noticed that my shirt smells like coffee after eating out a Barista
I hope the dean has a raincoat on because I'm prolly gonna throw up on him when I get my degree
I think that "I fucked your little brother" wasn't the best way to introduce yourself.....
My addiction to golf is getting out of hand....I just caught myself swinging my dick like a putter while peeing.
My therapist keeps stopping to ask what 'hooking up' means
ITS ORAL SEX CAROL
I told him finishing at the same time would be a long-term project. Like flipping a house. A sexual house.
So as a result of a tragic manscaping accident I've had to shave all the hair off of my legs. The result is... not great
I'm Michael Phelps, Olympic Champion.
Are you just smoking weed? Cause that's not actually a Michael Phelps costume
I just bought a 1/4 oz of pot from a coworker who's old enough to be my grandfather...I'm never leaving Portland.
Long story short if you're going to get drunk on a sailboat at night leave your phone in the car.
I knew it was all downhill from there when the straight vodka I was drinking tasted like water.
All I can taste is Pickle Juice and Cocaine.
Randomize
