She checked into foursquare right as she left work so he would think she was there late and not on some other guy's dick
I have to say for barely passing high school, that girl is a genius.
In line at the grocery store. The girl ahead of me is in a wetsuit and just bought 3 cases of beer and a bottle of vodka. I want to go where she's going...
tequilla shots with my grandparents? christmas visiting just got so much better
I may have farted on a group of children. It may not have been an accident.
Who had my phone last night? Whoever it was sent "Fuck you, you're adopted" to half the people on my contact list.
I told the guy that if he didn't put enough pepperoni to earn the name " pepperoni feast", that I was gonna sue him for all he had. Believe it or not, that's all I remember.
I have six new people in my phone that I don't remember adding. One of them is "Bourbon Yeah." Successful evening?
why is "bang the student affairs grad assistant" the third highest thing on your semester goals list
Is it weird that I only look up my ex on Twitter when I take a shit? May have conditioned myself to associate him with shit
Are u alive? If u are, you deserve an award.
You tried to fight someone about spaghetti o’s?
That hungover.
After dropping your phone on the ground you got down and sat with it, kissed it and apologized for being so mean
He let me share his family pack of hot pockets with him. Chivalry isn't dead after all.
Woke up with a bed full of sand...care to explain?
Isnt is self explanatory?
Only you would try street racing in a Volvo.
Randomize
