Just met a synchronized swimmer, can you imagine the things she could do in the water
Legs for days
Harpoon that
apparentely "Beer Pong Champ" is not a profession, no wonder they havent called me back......
told ya
he kept kneeing me like he was playing footsies... only then i realized it was his dick.
I was in a threesome last night that turned into a violent domestic dispute with damage to a hotel. Wish you were there!
I just ate a whole pineapple for lunch. You should be begging to give me a bj tonight.
In an unknown location. With a giant marshmallow stuck to my back. Hello breakfast.
When boys buy condoms it makes me feel proud of their mothers for doing a good job
FYI I just found your friend. Asleep. In. My. Kayak. In. Pool.
the last call horn was blaring when I tried peeling you off the bathroom floor than you uttered "Ill take the toothless one.'
Can't even walk I haven't tried talking but I probably can't do that either
But now he's gone and I'm exhausted and my vagina is yelling at me and I want a cheeseburger
Being in the club with your moms drunk friends > having a healthy relationship with your mom
There it is. Caramel-coated dick. Someone is getting a yeast infection later.
I guess I was running around slapping people in the face with a slice of turkey telling them that the only way to beat alcohol addiction is to go cold turkey.
Like, my vagina is jet-lagged.
Randomize
