I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
my mom walked in on my vaccuming.......i wasnt vaccumming
After 10 years all I have gotten is one bra pic, at this point I should be able to draw your cervix from memory
I'm watching the red sox through my neighbors window from my bathroom. We're winning btw.
Hands down the most disgusting picture message ever received. Thank you.
im here for your entertainment
come back what if one of your parents walks in and im just sitting here eating a cheesesteak without you
no you went to jail because you don't know how to whisper when offering a cop a blow job. I'm sure him having a chick partner didn't help.
Hm, finding a time when my drinking and your real life don't conflict could be difficult
We were pulling the glow sticks off of him and he just kept yelling, "my bones! You're taking my bones!" and asking me if I was on the crew team
This is what we do on Thursday nights. Spray tans, blunts and drawing pictures of cats.
Also cheers for the reminder to check last night's texts. It's been a magical adventure through drunk me's thought process.
I'm running on 2 hours of sleep. Just spent 6 minutes staring at the back of my hand thinking: "I don't really know this that well"
I was gonna drive but when i tried to use telekinesis to get my keys, I knew I shouldn't be driving
Fun times on public transportation. I just had a guy imply that I was racist cause I didn't want to talk to him when I was clearly reading my book and he was clearly on coke.
Statistics show that guys with slightly higher IQ scores and overly-trimmed eyebrows have micro penises. It's science.
Randomize
