battery dying...get laid and text me after...or during...its whatever.
The freshman next to me just said "I was rocking out on my way here to Dave Matthews..." I wish I would have passed this class the first time.
I feel the need to send all my exes pictures of penises larger than theirs. Because they all must suffer.
Wow. A quad shot of peppermint schnapps. I feel like I just deep throated a candy cane. Best 21st ever.
Come over so we can have two person sex in this one person tent
In the middle of me riding him, he stopped me and said "You're the kind of person who would be restrained for being obnoxiously drunk on an airplane, huh?"
You're the reason why I want to be a better drunk
I can't help that I bring out the sex in people
Everyone thinks I'm sleeping but I'm actually just melting.
I talked to the pizza guy for 10 minutes about my truck, I don't even have a truck
That sad moment when the drawer I used to keep condoms in now has poptarts in it..
I thought my holiday spirit was gone this year until I got banged to Christmas music. It's back.
Just spilled beer all over my bed. Should cut myself off, but instead I just took my shirt off and used it as a towel.
First non virgin Sunday. Bursts into flames.
I have cats now. Five of them.
Have you considered starting a global domination firm?
Randomize
