I'm reducing my diet to vodka and rice cakes.
I had to sleep with my math professor to pass algebra. Apparently my blowjobs are only C+ quality
Well after last night it's official...I cannot die...it time to use this power for good instead of handle contests
They poked me and kept screaming "LAUGH DOUGH BOY" it's like 3rd grade all over again.
Why not. Its my b-day, you're in town, I'm in town, bars are in town, and alcohol is in town. I don't see anything not good about those things.
The last thing I remembered was laying in the bathtub fully clothed with the shower running while he was picking grilled cheese out of my hair. I couldn't figure out if i was more upset about being soaking wet or the fact that my grilled cheese was in my hair instead of my mouth.
I have so many hands. So. Many. Hands. I can feel arms that I don't have yet. They tickle. I can see the blood in my eyes. I think something is happening. The hands!!! I'm ticking myself with hands I don't have yet! I can't stop giggling about my notyet hands!
Hows that studying goin for you?
I'm in my bathtub in a robe and jeans smoking a bowl and my hair is covered in olive oil
You were a path of destruction, you started with eating half the cake, proceeded by throwing the rest in the sink and dumping water all over it while laughing... then throwing the drunk helmet across the room yelling that you didnt want to wear it... i'd say it was a successful birthday.
You do realize how pathetic it is when the woman who does your bikini waxes has seen your vagina more than I have
All I've done this weekend is cum and drink. I think it's safe to say I'm dehydrated.
Being engaged is strange. I looked at my cock this morning and said, "we did alright these last 32 years, right?"
If you get that boat I will recruit some boat hoes for you and tape a video and sync it to I'm On A Boat. This is happening.
I had a glass of wine for breakfast. It's gonna be a rough week.
I thought it turned out lovely. You got to see me almost naked and I got to be stoned to the point I was content with
Wtf when were you almost naked??
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