Ways to know you did something wrong: you sugar-coated it for your therapist.
you know what sucks? talking to chicks you dont want to have sex with
bubblegum was invented today. we're getting drunk. end of story.
The only thing the cop asked me is..... "how are you still alive"?
i totally fed the cab driver fruit salad with my hands while he was driving
mom just asked if we are going to need more kaluha as she pulls 5 out of the cupboard. this xmas might kill me
Did the vodka turn my hair yellow or did something else happen last night?
I woke up this morning to my house being turned into a bad European dance club at 8:30am. Do you know what "UNS UNS UNS" sounds like at 8:30am? Murder. It sounds like murder.
I'm sorry I peed on the bushes at your law firm. Is there anyway you could defend me for the ticket I'm about to get?
So when he asked me to go on a date tonight, I didn't think the words "have you tried a suppository" would be part of the evening.
Don't try to sleep with work colleagues because he won't be able to get it up and you won't be able to look him in the eye ever again
I can't hangout tonight, I have a phone sex appointment at 10
Note to Self: Never again eat a weed brownie by yourself two hours before a tornado warning in your exact location.
My vagina cried when he left. I think she's about to be at war with my self respect.
Oh. My. God. I. Am. Going. To. Punch. Someone. In. The. Face. Immediately.
Randomize
