Asian hipster sighting. About to tackle him and ask him to take me to chinatown
the next time i see a chick with leggings under her jean skirt...i'm gona beat her ass with a fashion magazine...
I put my bosses number in my phone as "Do not call," I shouldve known my drunk curiosity would overcome any desire I had to keep my job.
again?
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
Whats a good hint for stop bitching im gonna give you head
Just woke up with 34 slim-jims in my pocket. Too afraid to check the others.
Just walked in on my older brother getting a bj. He told the girl to "keep going" and then attempted to high five me
You have not lived until you've seen your mother stumble into the house with one shoe on mumbling incoherently about tequila cupcakes.
So, I'm about to take my pants off in the Walmart parking lot, when am old lady parks next to me. I'm all the way in the back next to the semis. What the hell?
I dunno I mean I feel like I owe everyone an apology except the two people I punched in the face
I just sugar scrubbed my vagina. If I don't get laid tonight, me and the universe are gonna have some problems.
you called me drunk last night to talk about summoning sex demons with magic WTF
I'm drinking on a Thursday because I can
Today is Wednesday you jobless drunk
All I need is to get out and get laid
Yeah mom sounds like a good idea! Now send that message to the person it was ment for
wow. that really looks like a penis. not a top hat
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