I wish I could punch you in the face.
My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
i was just outside smoking and i saw a hooker sing "i wish i knew who your daddy was" to her new born baby. someone explain to me why i ever left chicago to go to college...
yea and when she crawled to her room she yelled at a bookbag to "get the fuck out my way"
you said grace in the diner. 5am, drunk, grace. you thanked the man w the mushroom cut for the wonderful supply of screwdrivers
"Students using Axe body spray to light selves on fire" is a real headline from a real newspaper. WHY AREN'T WE DOING THIS RIGHT NOW?
I'm taking it from the chunk of pizza I just pulled out my hair that we ate pizza last night?
Just orgasmed in canada. I should get a sticker or something that says I orgasmed in a different country.
But I swear to god if I'm awkwardly there while you try to have sex with someone again I'm getting high with your dad
im watching blue is the warmest color at the music box and this dude is literally masturbating 3 feet in front of me
Ran into my statistics professor at the bar, he chugged a car bomb and yelled "x bar mothfucker!". On average I'm loving this PhD program.
HE LEFT ME THE DAY AFTER I LET HIM PEE ON ME. If you date him after that, I'll leave the fucking PLANET.
Wearing my one sleeve dress...thought you'd like to know I shaved ONE armpit lol
A guy caught me talking to a sock today in the Laundry room if it makes you feel any better
Sadly that does. Why...where you talking to a sock
Bc I didn't know him and I asked him where he came from and why he was hanging out with my thongs
Ever look at an ex and wonder...was I drunk that entire relationship??
Yes, yes I do.
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