chipotle is closed for thanksgiving... I am officially thankful for NOTHING.
you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
Well hello freshman 15, didn't see you there until I tried on last years summer clothes.
All signs point to mom being high. 1) making chicken at 2 am. 2) dancing to smooth jazz. 3) she asked where the peanut butter was
The best thing he's ever done for me was comment on my profile picture saying "hello boner"
Did you ask last night's taxi driver about his penis hygiene?
He sang nursery rhymes to my vagina to get me to have sex with him..
There is a pink thong attached to a bottle of svedka hanging from my ceiling fan..is this yours?
Haha you were definitely messed up. Let me know if you need anything
Could really use a time machine and a higher self esteem, in that order
FUCK YOU. AH. FUCK BOTH OF US MORE BOOZE.
MAS TEQUILA.
I just heard a 350 lb guy with a stutter describe getting blood in his eye as he was shanking his cellmate and, more generally, how to survive as a white guy in jail.\n\nYou should really consider going to some AA meetings
Tell her this is the Disneyland of penises.It's a magical place everyone should visit once in their life.
You sent me a picture of curly fries with no explanation attached. This is the first time you've texted me in 2 months.
well theres no bloody mary mix at the campus bookstore so i dont even know what its good for
I don't know what the hell I'm going to do with myself when this is all over. I'll probably just go back to smoking pot and trying to learn italian.
Randomize
