batman just walked across the sidewalk
lay off the drugs
no for real he was wearing a cape
eh.. i should've known it was headed downhill after he used the phrase "pussy sundae"
It was awkward until we both realized our obsessions with harry potter and sangrias were the same. Now were in love.
You need tk get a life and stop texting me about fictional characters. I don't give a shit.
And her vagina tasted EXACTLY like a slim jim
Passed out on a playground for a while before trying to break into the elementary school. Erica thought her captain tasted like cat food, so she poured her bottle into her cat's dish and proceeded to eat it like cereal.
You win. Erica always eats cat food.
But guess what. I'm gonna roll over and go to sleep cuz there's no cuddling in phone sex.
Chipotle chips and wine for breakfast. Its def game day
You know you stopped at a liquor store to prepare for a 12-year-old's birthday party, right?
I tried to get you a girl. They want us to cook breakfast though
Lolll I'll be sleeping
I'm practically buying you a 1 way ticket to pound town.
Remember when I referred to my box of wine as my briefcase and made all of those stupid jokes about working overtime? Thanks for ignoring my cry for help.
I just busted my piggy bank to afford McDonald's. This is my personal cry for help.
Just in case the world ends tomorrow, I have an emergency contact group of booty calls I can send a quick "let's fuck" to before I die.
I think I got a sinus infection from puking out my nose on st. Patricks day #thisis26
I refuse to believe you if you're trying to tell me humanity as a whole isn't sad, tired, and craving Chinese food.
What a weekend. It started with me realizing i might not be straight and ended with me spraining my foot.
Randomize
