im going to forcibly insert an angry corn snake into his urethra
I wish they had a home preganacy test, but for STDs
I just saw a 3 year old try to break out of a daycare by driving a big wheel at full speed into a metal gate. Today is going to be epic.
You insisted I take photos of you vomiting off the top of the tree.
FUUUUUCK she froze all my quaters inside the ice cubes again
what's the name of that soccar player i bit again?
Thought it only fitting this Jubilee weekend to snort lines with a 50 note
Your patriotism amazes me, the Queen would be proud!
Had to go see my sisters new baby this morn in the clothes I wore to the rave last night. Still drunk. Almost dropped it. I'll be a good aunt right?
He handcuffed himself to the keg... D is hooking up with him anyway.
She said "I feel like I haven't reached my full potential" and I couldn't figure if she meant in life or with the weed..
I feel like I should remember what we did after leaving the party because apparently a llama was involved, but all I can manage is the part where I asked you to cuff my ankle to the bed so I wouldn't backflip away.
The tit pic search didn't go as planned, some old guy sent me a pic of his balls and said stop texting his daughter. Better luck tomorrow
its 3am and I'm taking a bubble bath, this is what taking a day off work at 30 looks like
Would I be a horrible mom if I got a babysitter at 6am so I could go get laid.
Here's the thing. Kinda drunk. Eating leftover soup. In bed. Watching Disney channel.
Randomize
