i tried to light my apt on fire. reasons why drunks and women should not cook
Uh i was pretty wasted sat, so if i was weird it wasnt me. It was just vodka bein weird w my phone
Tonite tequila might call you
Be prepared
you really should stop posting my phone number on craigslist as tranny seeking tranny, last night i answered at family dinner and almost choked on my hot dog
do you not see the irony in that??
My body has become completely dependent on Text Twist. I can't poop without it.
you kept talking about how hot andy milinakis is and the things you would do with him. no more tequila from him.
You paid the taxi driver with a comb last night.
Its not really a relationship, its more of a sex for booze program.
My roommate's all sad and is crying and the chick I want to bang is in the room and Nic Cage is on fire. What the fuck.
I want to do something romantic. Like gargle champagne before I put your dick in my mouth.
I was too sleepy and drunk to verbally annihilate anyone and ruin their reason for being. So i just opted to sleep with the fitted sheet on the floor
Sex in the corn maze.....not as good as advertised.
I drank toilet water last night, I can't answer you because my phone is in rice.
man fuck you i am a delight. you're the one who fucking set his tree on fire while high
I'm still mad from all the stupid shit he's done this week that even though I couldn't give two shits about Vday, I'm gonna throw an epic tantrum if he doesn't morph in to Nickolas Sparks for a day
How was I supposed to know the accent was fake before i slept with him
Randomize
