so then you didnt wanna fuck tonight right?
oops, you werent supposed to get that until you left.
um i just realized that some of the people at my family reunion look inbred. thats not a good sign.
hahaha beady eyes set close together? defs inbred.
my dads cousin just put a cig in his dogs mouth and says, "look its a commercial for newport!" holy hell i hope im adopted.
we got a new version of the plan b at the pharmacy now. its called next choice. you would think they would come up with better names for these things.
So you know how craigslist used to have an "erotica" section? And how after you click on a link it changes a darker color? And how Dad stays up really late most nights?
Oh god... well at least he's gettin some. Mom's a prude.
You need Jesus. Or a midol and a snickers. Whichever.
Both he AND his 17 year old son were hitting on me... I'm bridging generational gaps
yea i thought the egg drop soup tasted weirdly like cum, and then i suddenly remembered what happened last night.
i'm never eating chinese again.
Three things I need a picture of: your friend, your bong, and your dick.
Just saw the guy I slept with last night in a bar. He gave me a high five and kept moving
Sitting in bed reading a porn novel off my phone and accidentally just made Siri start reading the most graphic part aloud. FUN FIRST NIGHT WITH THE NEW ROOMIE.
ten seconds after he was done making out with the blonde, he rips off his jacket and screamed "Goddamn it, you know I like brunettes"
I have never seen someone so pissed at getting some. i called dibs so fuck him
He kept kissing me on the cheek when I was pretending to sleep while he cried
It's not even 8 pm, or Saint Patrick's Day, and Kevin is drunk on my roof humping the air
So this is what bad decisions tastes like...
She's like a squirrel. She spazzes out all the time.
Randomize
