Crap im kindd 0f drunkk we just hooked up in a mcdonalds parking lot but i dont know why how we are here
he thought he was parachuting out of a plane... talk about a bad trip.
I woke up naked, with 10 visible bite marks and a black eye. I'm just going to assume that it was a good night.
she went to her friend's wedding and caught the bouquet. as the unwilling rebound, can i run away now?
Not complaining, but why is there a Russian chick downstairs making latkes?
Remember me drinking the vodka from in between your legs?
ecstacy + fleshlight = not all that upset about being newly single anymore
Seriously, I look like I crawled out of a bog. Succeeding at being as undateable as possible.
There is a midget driving a powered tricycle around town. I am not drunk, stoned, or lying.
I got titty fucked last night and you're breastfeeding your newborn. Clearly we have gone two totally different paths since 2011.
At one point, the bartender wrote out the words "please kill me" on some receipt paper and slid it across the bar to me.
You screamed out "happy birthday Jesus" followed by chugging Bacardi straight out the bottle
This is why you have to watch more Zombie movies- to prepare for End Times...
Ugh... The hoe gods giveth and the hoe gods taketh away.
Apparently I thanked the paramedics over and over again for saving the "happy new year" beads that I was wearing
Randomize
