Words of Wisdom: ordering a pitcher of whiskey cokes, putting a straw in it, and calling it your drink is not socially acceptable
is it bad if my mug shot looks better than my profile picture?
I just gave my whole company pinkeye. How's that for a summer intern's lasting impression? BOOYAHH
two more shots til everyone in this club gets to see my cesarean scars.
Well, McDonalds 'escorted' me out after I passed out mid-order
Tonight will be judged a success if I walk out without having thrown up on my shirt.
now that you've tased me I refuse to buy you flowers
She has a lazy eye!
My other option is a hardwood floor
I wish there was an emoji to express our Eskimo Brothership
I wish drunk me came with subtitles
It's official. Post baseball sex is better than post hockey sex. I hope the Blue Jays win the world series.
I managed to break 3 nails and loose my stockings, but I made 87 dollars at the strip club. I asked where I could find an application on the way out.
I just saw elmo dancing with gumby. The bars at 7a.m. are AWESOME.
I just ate part of my sock, this has got to stop.
I should have known when she mixed malibu and V8. It smelled just like tanning oil and when she drank it she said "Oh well, not the first time."
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