he shattered multiple jars of jelly against his roommates doors last night. this morning the asian one wouldn't even talk to him because he thought he was gonna get beaten up
She just used a turkey baster to transfer alcohol from the glass to the bottle. Just thought you should know
And for your info. Don't pee outside with glow sticks. People will still see you.
so, I mean this in the straightest way possible, but don't you ever just feel like you owe Jon Stewart a blowjob...
You fell on your face and the waitress just brought you a fresh drink
As I was brushing his cum out of my hair he looks at me and says "it happens to me all the time."
Cops on bikes. I think I can outrun them.
If you loved me you'd bring cheese fries and a condom
My mom just walked in and saw a picture of his penis. She then asked me "Do you even have a cervix left?!" I don't know what to feel anymore HA
Yeah well that's a good thing right? Like mothers approval? Kinda like a Fathers blessing but. . . better?
I think one of my ovaries is committing suicide. But that is a topic for another day.
I accidentally left my shirt at my booty calls house. He washed it & hung it up for me in his closet. I can't decide if that's sweet or creepy
We had sex last night...... This "Friends" thing is going well.
We always have to do something together that tests the human limits of the body. Hopefully it has at least a 75% death rate.
I thought he was hot. You know, in a “I’ve gone batshit insane and want blood for the blood god” sort of way.
I wanted to have a threesome but they’re TOO HETERO
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