dude, never take two tylenol pm and smoke three bowls. i feel like i'm covered in cold ants.
can we please take bets on how much therapy you'll need in the future?
a bus full of elementary school kids may or may not have seen me pissing off my front porch this morning
he just made me do "this little piggy" to his toes.
It's Christmas week. I wouldn't know what to do if i wasn't hung over.
It's okay, I climbed on the roof of the bar to get my shoe back. This may become a Saturday tradition. I'll keep you updated
Dude I reek of $2.50 pitchers, $1 off/pack marlboro cigs, and fear.
Fear?
FEAR.
HE TALKS ABOUT HIS DICK IN THIRD PERSON ABORT MISSION ABORT FUCKING MISSION
Today is going to be a great day. He just brought me a donut on his dick... It's Sticky Dick Donut Day!!!
I drunkenly texted ur dad last night telling him he raised great kids hahahahaha
not sure what the chiropractor did but my junk deserves a cape now.
Do you wanna fuck while my apple pie is in the oven?
He was gone for 5 minutes, opened the car door and said, "Don't eat my shit." and dropped Chipotle on the passenger seat. He was gone for another 10 minutes and came back with Coldstone. That stoned.
So, I'm roughly 90% sure that the guy next to me in the xray waiting room is watching porn on his phone right now
I don’t care how cute or big a guy is I’m done with drunken hand jobs. It was like I was pulling a nine inch bungee cord for 25 minutes. Now My arm and shoulder is dead
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