Are we in a gay sports bar?
rethinking that breast reduction surgery... i'm tired of drunkenly explaining the scars to guys who don't really give a shit
Apparently after taking body shots off of a guy i haven't seen since 1st grade, i ate a stick of butter, showed everyone my tampon string, and fell off the boat. my uggs belong to the sea now
Nothing like buying a handle and a 36 pack with a baby strapped on.
The things happening in my intestines right now should only ever happen at truck stops and frat houses.
It's going to be weird as hell when you have kids. I'll meet them and think "Hi, Did you know that I was almost your dad?"
Is it rude to ask for an autograph after giving him a blowjob in their hotel's hot tub?
Last night, I listened to Aladdin on my ipod while I stole bread and cheese from Wal-Mart. I feel like you're the only one who'd be proud of me.
I hooked up with a guy dressed up as morning wood. Needless to say he lived up to his costume.
You must take up my position now. You must pass out in awkward places as I taught you... Sears a hotel elevator and Burger King bathroom. You potential for greater young grasshopper.
I'm ordering sushi and crying over finals. Come over and bring wine.
My makeup bag looks like it has lips and wants to sing to me... Too high?
Yeah but who says we can't be shitfaced and tan at the same time?
I’m a go ahead and fuck down ATL. So when I leave in January I’ll have no regrets.
Just finished 151. Eating nutella off a spoon. Bring condoms.
Randomize
