Her parents hate her and she's on like major lockdown. All her friends are in jail and she has massive pit stains. Dude... It doesn't get much worse than that.
the couple across the street's about to bang. go get the popcorn and come join us.
you know its a sad night when you can actually see and hear sitcoms on at the bar
If you're missing hair this morning, i'm sorry in advance
I just puked while everyone was releasing balloons. Im to hungover for this memoial service. Rest in peace great gramps.
Mystery lines found in a Pyrex dish in the back of my pantry at 415 am. No recall as to it's origin. Unidentifiable taste. Obviously I'm doing them
You have a roommate and cry when you see my dick
You asked me if you had to go downstairs to get upstairs. And then you forgot where you were.
I dunno what's worse, the fact that I hooked up with a guy that shaves his armpits or that I didn't notice until he brought it up the next day
that is terrible, if I can't drink Gatorade when I'm hungover I don't wanna live in this world. that's like denying wild rams to run free in the wild and frolic
I know you're aving fun across the room but I can clearly see you getting a handy. It's not as "low key" as she promised. Also, why are you texting while she's doing it?!
I ask for a dick pic and he sends a picture of Dick Cheney. Who does that?
We sat at the bar and made fun of everyone around us. I'm in love
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
I refuse to shit my pants for anyone except Cher and Christina Aguilera!
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