I just want to sing "highway to the danger zone" when I'm taking his pants off.
Masturbating after my cheeseburger. It's unavoidable.
Just went to my life planning class. The professor has a braid going halfway down his back and an earring.
just spent the last 4 hours searching ex-girlfriend porn to make sure there are no photos of me
it is 7:54 and i am surrounded by drunk old people. drunk enough that my grandmother and her friend just compared boobs. as in, shirts off, bras coming down. save me.
Howd you meet this guy?
I found him next to my pants on sunday morn.
I started making breakfast to subdue the hangover and last of the shrooms and only got as far as eating a half frozen pierogi out of a dixie cup.
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
I am going to wait until he wakes up to set his couch on fire and then pee it out. That way he knows it was not an accident.
THESE BITCHES NOT IN MY MAJOR BETTER NOT FILL UP MY SLAVIC FAIRYTALES CLASS
Well my sober pact lasted almost an hour. Then I did four shots. But in other news, one of those shots I took with a midget. So like I couldn't turn that shit down.
Remember the thing I sent you? "Often complex problems are best solved by thinking like an animal." Hump away!
He's talking about feelings now. I don't even know if he came???
So not only did I get laid today but I also left with a 42” tv lol
If you think me talking about that hot guy accepting my LinkedIn request is pornographic, I’m not sure how you’re gonna feel when I tell you I fucked a stranger on a park bench last weekend
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