I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
he's sitting on top of the fridge in only a black speedo and wont get down
can you pick me up an extra syllabus
i passed out in the shower again
I'm eating lunch next to a table of beautiful culturally-diverse women chattering away happily. It's like sitting next to a Yaz commercial.
New plan, instead of sleeping with her, I'm just going to use her to sleep with the entire sorority.
The only way I made it through work was reminding myself how many margaritas per hour I was making
Get this. Chipped my front tooth taking a sip of a gay mans beer out of my cleavage. Fuck my fucking life. that'll be fun to explain to my dentist
If there was a saddle on his sack, she would ride it.
I'm in the sex attic, crying, eating french toast and taco
trust me, you don't know shame until you're in a peacock costume getting CPR by random dudes
Ladies and gentlemen, the only person I know who would keg stand in pearls and a bow.
All I remember is while we were making out M.A.A.D City came on so I pushed him off of me so I could rap along.
Man, I'm real high and googling what all my favorite figure skaters from childhood are doing now.
So this morning everyone commended me for puking over the porch. No one else made it that far...
My debit card was between my ass cheeks when i woke up. i vaguely remember putting it there for safe keeping
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