Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
i just saw an asian skipping down the street and it made me think of you
Question: why is there a dildo glued to my kitchen table?
I'm convinced that Kathy Griffin and Andy Dick are the same person...
you threw up in the bushes next to the ABC store and kept saying "you're home, blueberry vodka, you're home!"
I don't know if it's the amount i drank last night or the number of taylor swift statuses on facebook but i feel like puking everywhere
Was I holding a cat when you saw me? Because that was the height of that party for me.
We had sex on roll out bean bag chair, and then proceeded to sleep with a blanket with dolphins on it. Happy birthday to me.
don't worry about my dad. he just hates you because you're liberal, not because we're fucking.
all i want is a guy to go down on me while i eat peanutbutter from a jar
Drunk text the hot guy two doors down confessing my love for him.... He gave me a thank you card today.
I legitimately just had to leave work because I am too hungover. The front office ladies keep making fun of me.
So...#1 on my TO DO list for college is to fuck someone somewhere in the stadium during the homecoming game...you down?
i was so blazed last night that i kept imagining a talking eagle sitting next to me encouraging me to smoke more... i listened to it.
I didn't expect the hobit to have that much sexual tension.
Randomize
