I like my sex mixed with concussions.
I look better un-naked...
I think a girl in front of me glued an ugg tag to a weird pair of boots.
I could hear his roommate in the background imitating my sex sounds...
The tent neighbors already set us on fire w an errant roach. How do you think Bonnaroo's going?!
she asked me which thongs i though her boyfriend would like best. fuck the friend zone
remind me to get a blood sugar test this week. I'm pretty sure I'm a mojito away from diabetes.
Im positive, your name was on my abdomen, Im pretty sure thats solid evidence
My cat is staring at me while I drink my wine on the bathroom floor in the morning instead of attending class. Sorry mom and dad. Sorry cat.
"You're the only girl I haven't made out with yet" = worst pick up line ever
How was the party
I came home with only one shoe, a t shirt tied around my shoeless foot and I was covered in motor oil. Oh and my shorts were inside out. So you tell me
We have such a parasitic relationship. But the kind where the parasite benefits from the relationship. Like the pilot fish and a shark. The fish gets the leftover food scraps from the shark and the shark gets a free bath from it.
that's so insightful.
Ugh hungover at a laundromat is a terrible feeling. For some reason I keep getting sucked into staring at the clothes spinning around and around and it makes me want to profusely projectile vomit everywhere
No reason. My tongue went numb after one shot. I may die tonight
Guy just rode past on a lowrider bike smoking a blunt, I want his life
Randomize
