Bonnaroo quote of the day: "why the fuck am i pregnant?!?!" - exclaimed loudly by random hippie.
After 4 hours of foreplay he passed out and almost immediately peed in my bed. Naked. Like a fountain. Then tried to deny it in the morning by saying he just sweats a lot.
Her best friend sent her a random hate text and the song they played at her father's funeral came on the radio. I just got cock blocked by the universe
I woke up because I was nodding to the dream question of "would you like a sombrero?"
What do I have to do to get you laid? I talked to that girl with the ugly dog for 45 minutes trying to get you in, and all you said was "Steven Spielberg is my favorite director."
Nyquil jello-shots aiding in health and happiness
she left around the point i tried to tie her hair around my dick
NEVER PUT A LIT CIGARETTE BEHIND YOUR EAR
Stephen I'm in a lecture and the lecturer just said 'you can CHOOSE to put something in your mouth and swallow it" i'm the only one here who burst out laughing, this is awkward. Thought you'd appreciate it.
They'll never let you practice medicine.
The inside of my nose has felt like the guy's face falling off from raiders of the lost ark all week
I really couldn't care less what she looks like. That's why The Lord Our God gave us doggy-style.
orgasmnado...tomorrow night
That's what I'm talking about
True strength comes from lack of pants
Dude I'm drinking alone and watching cartoons. How is it that someone as hot as me is doing this.
Just shaved my balls on a moving train. By far the most dangerous stunt I've ever pulled
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