I am coming home for anal
* a nap*
speaking of unleashing monsters, we need to get condoms
I wish life was like the Sims. Right when you're pregnant the music would play and I would just know instead of agonizing for the next two weeks.
he said i took off my shirt and wrote "help HATI" on my tits, and charged people to motorboat me..... i'd like to say i woke up with 267$ in my purse
I started dry heaving in the middle of sex and she says "You moan funny."
someone just laughed at me while i'm laying on the floor waiting for the bus. like they've never been hungover.
The difference between you and me last night was that I didn't remember getting into the cab and you didnt know we were in one.
Weekday college schedule so far: get high as tits. Watch Family Guy marathons. Repeat.
TAing a class of 300 froshies and being so hungover I forgot a bra is my way of making dreams come true.
Yes, i finally made it. but let me tell you...i can smell myself right now in class right now, this scent is called alcoholism.
These bubbles make my penis feel like it is resting on clouds.
The woman that sang I Touch Myself died today. There's only one appropriate way to honor her memory.
I'm on the job.
I swear you won't find cereal in your washer machine again.
And then I discovered that while drunk last night I called the NAACP and left an angry voicemail demanding they fix the racism at my school
I'm surronded by jorts. You're probably too drunk to care. I'm gonna cry now. Love you.
Randomize
