I met a girl last nite that charged by the inch. i didnt have enough money but i figured shed be a good deal for u
i always forget guys have bellybuttons
I had sex with her like 200 times, and she was only pregnant once, those are pretty good statistics.
Listen. I don't care if its "nontoxic" im not putting it in my fucking vagina.
I mean it was his birthday. How was I supposed to tell him he could not wear a sombrero while we bang.
Swear to god our friendship has its limits. Stop peeing on the fucking refrigerator.
I'm going to crush up my last 7 Percocets into a fine powder and toss my popcorn in it.
Definitely just realized I wore a shirt that says "building leaders for Christ" to a hookup. Roll tide.
She got tired so now we're making anyone who has a stupid idea go into her bedroom so she can sleepslur "good idea" or "baaaad idea." We're calling her the queen of the misguided.
I'm not entirely sure that the guy that just texted me is not on drugs right now. I'm also not entirely sure that he isn't about to be incarcerated.
This morning was so rough I can't even. I was cutting up vegetables for my omelet on the floor. THE FLOOR. I sat on the floor because I felt like I was gonna vom.
I somehow turned head, shoulders, knees, and toes into a sobriety test
Our sub is singing "i believe i can fly" after yelling at the class this whole time and this is really hella weird
Yea he was still drunk. He wore a Toga to his job interview.
Please tell me why I’m standing naked in the kitchen drinking pickle juice out of the jar & there is a container of potatoe salad with no lid & a spoon in it on the floor 🤦♀️
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