and everytime i fart i feel like in your heart, you can hear it
I just woke up to pictures of every angle of his dick I'll ever need to see.
This better be legit desert and not your penis alamode
You've had your dick in my mouth. I don't think there are all that many barriers in our friendship at this point.
The world isn't going to end because you slept with him!
... that would be easier though.
At a party. It smells like teen pregnancy and sadness in here.
Well I found out I was essentially dumped and replaced by a hipster and apparently offered a girl $95 to go out with me. In the spirit of the Olympics I will not be spending any time on the medal stand.
This is the Santa Claus of hangovers. It just keeps giving.
I went on a psycho cleaning spree so I feel I've earned the right to spend the day in bed watching porn and eating sausage biscuits. If you bring alcohol you can join me.
All other girlfriends are inferior. You are the chosen one.
So now I can cross "have my ass be someone's phone background" off the bucket list. You know, if it was something I actually had wanted to happen.
"Let's do body shots off the freshmen" is officially the worst thing I've ever said.
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
He just told me I was beautiful, whilst I peed into a cup. If this isn't love I don't know what is.
I dont think the chain smoking, tequila shots or cocaine was good for my bronchitis.
I can get weed and taco bell delivered but frozen peas and a loaf of bread are just too scarce, what the hell is wrong with people?
Randomize
