my dad just beat the shit out of me cuz i blew my nose on one of my dirty t shirts and he saw it and thought it was cum.
i just won an entire level on word mole with the word 'clitoris'
I finally had sex with him last night, but we used a condom so it doesn't add to my number of sexual partners.
I'm sorry, but the way we fuck, they don't make condoms strong enough not to break
you seemed to enjoy falling down hill
wow, never heard the last few months of my life put so succint
Judging by the garbled spelling in the calendar reminders in my phone, drunk me really wanted sober me to take a pregnancy test today.
WHO JUST REMOVED THAT SAME BOARD IN TWO MINUTES FLAT WITH NO INJURIES, SHOES, SOCKS, OR BRA?! THIS BITCH. CRACKIN A BEER FOR DA SHOWA. BITCHES AIN'T SHIT MOTHAFUCKA
Your smile makes me feel like I'm frolicking through a field of gummy bears.
This dudes playing guitar and singing outside our window and he's like "ravioli is beterrrrrrr than tortelliniIii cause tortelliniiii is shaped like fucking ears"
Who doesnt want to be Yoda? I mean seriously, how sweet would that be? Live to 400, not give a shit about love and all that, know fucking mind tricks and smoke awesome swamp weed. I'm down.
I'm standing on the corner in a banana costume and cape with frozen bananas in my utility belt reassessing my life decisions.
Also my face is like def lowkey made of silly putty
Moral of the story: fuckboys never change
Come as you are, bitch. Glitter and vodka provided.
It's taking all of my will power not to chug this margarita. This must be the life of an adult...
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