Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
He caught a squirrel with his bare hands twice. Where do you find these people?
Before you even think your day was worse than mine, I had to disinfect and and stitch another dude's penis after his prince Albert got ripped out by an angry chick.
I apologize for violently hooking up with her in front of you in the jacuzzi last night.
This baby is an asshole
Within the span of 10 minutes, I managed to make a slip 'n slide on his stomach, threatened to pee on him, kneed myself in the eye, and almost fell asleep on the toilet....in that order.
He was supposed to visit me tonight but he decided to stop in Tacoma so now I'm sitting on my bed naked eating oranges and candy corn while I watch Parks and Rec.
Now I have to hook up with him tomorrow DURING THE DAY.
I'm not sure what exactly you were planning, but you kept yelling that we were going to need a lot of midgets and a lawyer.
She showed up ready for sex all night.. with waters and a meat and cheese tray
you said you wanted to call me grandma and give me hugs
How weird would it be for me to get 1 hour photos printed at CVS of my partially or all nude?
I'm sitting alone in a bar pretending to watch football because I don't know where the liquor store is around here and I'll be god damned I'm going to be sober on my day off.
He came home at 2 AM on roller skates with his hair dyed pink while singing "Sweet Transvestite" and throwing glitter on all of us and everything we own. We had to call a cleaning guy.
I said I wanted pizza tattoo on my ass and the tattooist asked me what I wanted on it.
He was eating me out on a picnic table on the frame lake trail and right after I came, a group of hikers walked around the corner. Stood up just in time
And this is one of the many reasons why you need a car.
Randomize
