I'm twenty-five. I'm too old to be watching my friend throw up in Chipolte Parking lot.
I don't know if it's her mysterious past or atrocious grammar, but I think I'm in love.
false alarm. still invincible.
i just saw a man pushing two thirtys of beers in a stroller while his little kid ran to keep up. father of the year
if women knew the size of my dick, theyd be much more receptive to my sloppy drunken advances
I guess she thought her walk of shame would be more dignified if she stole my dog
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
My radar detector detects ice cream trucks. I think it was made for stoners
i projectile vomited shoeless at 7:30 a.m. in a taco bell parking lot. never again.
We're now referring to our nightly Skype time as "strokes of genius." Long distance sucks.
There's a set of buzz lightyear wings in lost and found at work. I just need access to your roof.
Dilemma. I'm out of wine and I can't put on clothes to go to the liquor store bc I just got spray tanned. If this isnt white girl problems I don't know what is.
That is priceless. You walk into her house, fuck her husband and demand Chinese food. Your an inspiration to us all.
hot take: drunk me can walk through walls?
we went to the skate park then back to her house for dinner, and somehow that ended with her making me blueberry pancakes at 2am
Randomize