just threw up while drinking by myself. This is all your fault. You here = a good night, You not here = alcoholism
I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
i tried slipping money on her dresser whenever she brings guys home hoping she'll start to question her goals in life... i think its only encouraging her
you left your shoes but remembered to take your vodka. i see where your priorities are.
I'm not sure what happened last night, but my turtle seems afraid of me.
We just licked a sour creme and onion chip for salt for a tequila shot. Our vacation has officially begun.
I'm about to play Thunderstruck by myself, that way I'll always get the long thunder part.
I think its safe to assume that the 40yr old undergraduate with purple and pink in her hair and a tattoo of the eiffel tower above her ass crack has never actually been to Paris...
Math equation of the day: 4 waffles + 1 bowl of weed = 1 terrific nap
It's amazing how not interested in talking to him I am since I've decided that he probably has chlamydia.
He wants me to have his first child. So that makes four gay men that've called dibs on my eggs.
I gotta say, I do way better with the ladies than I do the men. So if it turns out being gay is a choice, then I'm going to go ahead and choose it.
I'm in the line at Chipotle thinking: "What combo will best prepare my body for the open bar I'm going to subject it to tonight?"
Then while I was crying on his shoulder, he got a boner. Soo. I kinda just hopped on.
I'm no doctor but I don't think balls are supposed to look like that.
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